We are biological robots, brainwashed and programmed puppets.  It gives me some ideas to create human posture - the body – soul to show struggle of a programmed victim. Through the fast-doodled mazes of our nervous system (which I wanted to look robotic and biological at the same time), like an emotional nervous system. I wanted to reveal the misery of disconnection and inner, hidden suffering behind the façade of appearances, insincerity. It creates unnecessary suffering – fight between dulled intuition and hungry monster – civilization.  Emotional suffering creates illnesses (autoimmune diseases). 

    David Lynch - a movie director, painter, musician and writer is a big inspiration for me.  In his book "Catching the big Fish", he reveals how to be connected with yourself (through transcendental meditation) and how the creative processes work. Feel, give a space and try not to control it.

In his stop motion animation "Six men getting sick" (1967), he created a painting with heads where repeated motif of fluids that fill up, spill out, and act as catalysts for transformation. Six figures represent singularly repulsed reaction to the phenomena of the life cycle. The sprawling of the six head and the presence of the X - Ray heighten the sense of anxiety. The looping of the sequence reveals the cyclical nature of this biological violation. Noise from siren highlights that this is not a peaceful condition but a state of Permanent Crisis.

When getting older I notice how my choices weren't mine.

They were just given. We often hear: don't do that - what people will tell. It inhibits creative thinking.

PROGRAM in which we are subscribe and usually we are run by that and those dictated by society, media, cultural norms. Those are predominant forces which are running our lives.

We don't feel secure in our skin. We are predominated by STATUS QUO. The existing state of affairs, current state of things. And we find ourselves in competition (ego)...

Society is set to keep us in a low energy - standards... - to suppress symptoms, intuition. Society keeps us in a hamster wheel.

We are learning to shift from a perpetual cycle of competition in NEUROSIS of not being enough.

There is no good and bad in a root of being. It depends what we are doing with situations (what our mind is doing). We are projecting our feelings on situations.    Our feelings about different looks, religion and reaction from conditioned mind can be devastating. Reactions like hate, killing in the name of god.

Eckhart Tolle in one of his books said: “when people hold very tight to their ideas, opinions, to their rightness - it's unconscious fear of death.” 

This problem of control and usage of default of our minds is perfectly recognized by Don Delillo in his book "White Noise". He critiques modern consumption by connecting identity to shopping - this is good example of four alienations by Karl Marx. Shopping is  filling a hole which is inside you.  Searching solutions outside ourselves not inside.

In “White Noise” Delillo states that there is a CONSUME OR DIE mentality. Characters  in this novel try to avoid death through shopping and that one can shop his/her way out of any personal trauma. They are buying in order to create their own identity but there is a paradox - because shoppers all buy the same product, they can't be unique.

Media shapes people’s unconscious behaviours. The world of  "White noise" is so overcome by media outlets that it becomes increasingly difficult to separate primary actions from imitations of actions, unsatisfactory imitation or substitute also known a SIMULACRUM. Thoughts and actions are replicated by programmed responses, which have been learned.

It causes separation between MIND-BODY (as a part of nature and all living forms) -SOUL.

We are identifying with our cluttered minds, It's like against us. I called a sin - because most of us don't recognize it. We must separate from our compulsive thinking and stop identifying with our minds. Sin - Unconscious. We are still in a dark age. People like to feed EGO. It magnetizes more and more situations which it likes. For example, violence in movies. Low frequency music, mainstream!!!

I like a scene in Terry Gilliam’s movie BRAZIL, where Henry (Robert de Niro), disappears in a bunch of newspapers. He disappears in information, in a stream of invalid news, thinking, bureaucracy. It is all to keep society in fear. Fear of life, fear of death. Society creates our artificial needs. It creates mutants, monsters.  Fat, twisted, crooked ..."happy - mad - world”. "Everything is fine, everything is good Jesus loves you".

With that way of thinking I came up with two projects.

One is about the side effects of the carefree life of our culture. It includes terrorists and abusers. Those are WANTED but I called them UNWANTED.  There are unwanted forms of behaviour and aggressive actions on others. I was like a detective who tried to solve a problem and like a doctor who tries to find anatomy of violence.

I've made a little experiment and gave photos of abusers from newspapers to my 9 years old daughter. She painted on their faces trying to cover ugliness, guilt   - changing to happy smiling faces. She was transforming energy from bad to good. She was changing world for a better place. I believe that she sent that energy as we all do frequently even not realizing that. She was sending a healing energy. Fixing reality. As a child we don't agree with many, many things when we arrive to this world/ like war and killing. What is all about? In innocent child which is less programmed there is natural intuition that they know what is wrong. Often kids are crying when they find out that an animal has to be killed before we eat meat - innocence.

I wanted to create a series of UNWANTED like 28 of little pictures of terrorists to send them love and compassion. Why? because they are unconscious.. Their actions are navigated by EGO. I feel responsible for all those behaviours.  28 is a number where our body renew itself. It is a cycle. New cells appears. Also, this is a number where you incorporate new habit to your life. I started to paint on their faces like Bianka - putting a smile. I think this is great and I could do it like that. Find lots of magazines with unwanted and putting a smile on them. Very easy but powerful.

Also, I was fascinated by what is unseen, hidden on purpose and knowingly or hidden unconsciously like unprocessed emotions. By covering faces with childish smile like Bianka would do I discovered accidentally what happened on the other side of the picture. It shows disconnection, negative disintegration, fragments. Hazy, blurry faces surrounded by white, seems to be lost like shadows in the fog that they do not know which direction to go.

I experimented with layers I stepped out from my idea with terrorists. Instead of static,  faces gazing at you I wanted to show emotion, movement, struggle. Instead of showing the inner disintegration and dualistic nature  of the mind, the lack of awareness, what is material and spiritual on one face I went a step further (or backward) and wanted to show it more clearly on face and reflection / shadow. showing my work, I revealed a story behind it. It is about a weakness of the mind, reluctance to change, stiffness or just programmed mind in love with its reflection in drama, narcissistic love. I started with many layers. They symbolize lack of transparency. With each subsequent figure I get rid of layers. I wanted it to be transparent, less complicated, as if I wanted to erase a problem, remove or cure disease. At the end the blank page could be left.

After few perturbations with the terrorists I made a circle and start to look at: why I feel responsible for abusers, terrorists?  Because we all are terrorists for ourselves sometimes.  I try to fix the world but where we should start? From ourselves. From our unwanted states of mind. So I came back to my story where in some stage of my life I started dissolving ego, starting to love myself (appreciate, respect). I was decoding scripts from my childhood. STOP BEING THE VICTIM OF THE VICTIM OF THE VICTIM.

It is a surprising journey from terrorists to me. From obsession to compassion. I realize this is not just my story but all of us. During life we travel through different stages of consciousness. From selfish to selfless. From ugliness to beauty...

It's liberating to lose conceptual structures about yourself.

Being a terrorist to yourself? Sabotaging your own inner environment? It creates stress, stress creates pain.

I will continue UNWANTED project at its own pace.

Along with this project I started the second in which I was more focused. Which I liked more at that moment. Why? Because it was unfamiliar ground for me to make a sculpture. I was curious what will would happen. Working on this was like a rebirth , transformation to higher levels of consciousness. It is very much related to UNWANTED.  I did a human size pillow, to HUG - CALM - REALISE all that collected emotions. Give yourself love, compassion, kindness. Compassion to your inner terrorist... ;) mind.  We have in us duality, polarity, binary form- it is reflecting in nature - day - night, warm - cold.... My huger is gender-less (it represents inner body). Gender can become an identity. Identity forces you into the role, into conditioned patterns of behavior.

I am using an embroidery in my project (HUGER)  to show emotional imaginative nervous system as a pain body. I want to a huger realise stressful emotions which we can let go.  An embroidery symbolizes a feminine virtues like patience, compassion, mercy, kindness, cooperation, flexibility, unity, tranquility, gracefulness, peacefulness, sensitivity, tolerance, innocence, hopefulness, helpfulness, consideration, care and prudence.

What is pain body / emotional pain body? By Eckhart Tolle it is accumulation of painful life experience that was not fully faced and accepted in the moment it arose. It leaves behind an energy forms from other instances, and so after some years you have a pain body, an energy entity consisting of old emotion. It can be triggered very easily and without awareness you react very emotionally to situations by identifying with them .

Mind has a fault - it is self-destructive. Causes fear. It repeats itself. If you identify with your mind - thoughts - you will suffer. Mind uses you.    In some stage of my project HUGGER, it started to look like a wrapped mummy. While I was stitching my positive sculpture, I was listening to the music. Suddenly music from movie PSYCHO  by Alfred Hitchcock started playing. I burst with laugh... thinking to myself I am doing a body. And I realized that mummy symbolizes lack of flexibility, sticking to something stubbornly, ossified way of thinking that has not done anything good for centuries.

It’s amazing how context can change. How the same thing can take a completely different dimension.

It all depends on our perception. We hug a mummy that we have inside. Hugging yourself, your uncertainty, sadness and be aware of them and let them go. Just witness and then react from stillness.

I am creating this human size sculpture to point to an art recipient what is missing in our running, busy, exhaustive life. Running after your mind. Ego creates desire. Desire is a prison. Be kind to yourself, compassionate, loving to your UNWANTED TWIN, to your little me (which our culture/society is responsible - it means us).

I wanted to incorporate in my work a visual representation of nervous system. It is looks like a doodles from subconscious mind. Flow of uncontrolled drawings in meditative state - without thoughts. Childish doodling, focused. RAW ART. Art Brut by Jean Dubuffet includes the work of insane, prisoners, children and primitive artist. It is raw expression of a vision or emotions. Why outsider art? I really would like to discover what our subconscious is about to tell us. Maybe our collective consciousness or some power wants to transmit through art.  Because what art of insane people can tell us... That this world is insane and mad.

An example of art brut is artist LUBOS PLNY which I discovered in my searching. He had problems maintaining discipline during his military service, which resulted in his transfer to a psychiatric clinic and diagnosed with schizophrenia. (But who is insane? Those in mad house or those who put them in there, is war and killing are normal?)

He began intensive study of psychiatric and medical literature. Later he became an academic model and an artist himself.  Lubos explores the body in anatomical sections with multiple points of view. Those are self-portraits. He wanted to discover the unknown. What is beyond skin and flesh? Beyond material organism?

The images shows the human body dismantled into anatomic parts, which express  the disturbing search for depth, SOUL, the importance of being in this world. And he asks the universal question about his own destiny, but also the destiny of us all - inner self and awakening from dream state life. And we must because dream became a nightmare.

Thanks to this project I discovered artist Freddie Robbins. She also made a sculpture human size and human shaped sweater/ jumper – machine knitted wool titled CRAFT KILLS. This work has two dimensions. One humorous telling that knitting is now classed as a dangerous activity after September 11th because you can no longer fly with knitting needles in your hand luggage. Second dimension is obvious “dying for your art”. In the past all responsibility was on artist for your art which is quite heavy. I realize that I really don’t like to create with nervousness, that the stereotype of suffering artist do not apply. I learn to keep distance and do not make a case. Have fun and don’t be so serious.

I learnt a lot by creating HUGGER. To listen to the inner voice and to do something out of curiosity for the first time. I enjoyed all process. Solving problem how to make a templates. I was witnessing surprisingly where this idea will take me. It’s not easy to sew a three-dimensional figure. Also, it taught me how to plan and arrange work in turn. I would like to in the future to make more cuddly toys for adults and spread them around the places in cities, so you can hug yourself. Also I realized that I made huger not just for people but also for myself. I would like to in next HUGERS to discover more embroidery and sewing techniques, materials and each sculpture make an individual, consisting of different emotions, thoughts, and other unconsciousness? They will be existing of their own like life which is manifestation of a greater awareness that wants to know about its own existence through us. People.